Jane Gets the Worst Sunless Tan of Her Life — Page Two

Looking about her warily [she doesn't want anyone to see her actually buying this stuff], she grabs the Mr. Pumpkin and heads to the register. So the Mr. Pumpkin doesn't look so desperately alone, she adds a few bags of Halloween candy to her purchase.

By the time she gets home, it's nearly 10 PM and she is feeling a bit hurried. The wedding starts at 1 PM, but she is expected to be at the reception hall by 10 AM to supervise the floral arrangements, her specialty.

She studies the disturbingly brief instructions on Mr. Pumpkin Ultra Ultra Dark: For best results, apply generously to clean, exfoliated skin. Wash hands immediately after use to avoid staining. Avoid contact with clothing until lotion is dry. Reapply every three hours to reach desired color. Apply once daily to maintain color.

That seems easy enough. But she doesn't have time to shower; to get a deep, dark tan, she is going to need to apply at least twice, maybe three times. Jane strips down to bra and panties and begins with her legs. Her dress is long, but there's a big slit up the side, so she can't ignore her lower appendages.

Oops. What about her back? She remembers there was some kind of thing you could get to do your back. Oh, well. She will just have to become a contortionist.

Uh-oh. She's got to get rid of the bra. Strapless, remember? She takes it off, then tries to remember where she stopped. Did she do the sides of her torso? Did she finish her arms? Just to be sure, she applies another coat to everything from the waist up.

And what about her feet? She'll be wearing strappy high heeled sandals. She may have done them once already, but she isn't going to take any chances — another coat on the feet it is!

Finally, she applies the lotion to her face and neck. Breathing a sigh of relief, she rinses her hands briefly in the sink, then puts on a bathrobe and sits down on the couch to watch television.

A little after midnight, she wakes up suddenly. Why am I sitting on the couch in a bathrobe, she wonders, then remembers. Hurriedly she goes to the full length mirror in her bedroom to check out her tan.

Nothing! She looks exactly the same. Feeling slightly panicky, she reapplies. This time she doesn't grow confused, and gets everything covered, although she isn't too sure about that spot in the middle of her back. It seems she just can't reach it, no matter how much she twists.