Clara's Magda Makeover

A Just A Little Bit Orange Feature
By Clara Pettitt. Copyright © 10/31/2001. All Rights Reserved.

What to be for Halloween? How about Magda, the sun worshipping neighbor of Mary in the 1998 film Something About Mary?

As film critic Roger Ebert put it, Magda's tan "makes her look like she's been put through the same process that produces Slim Jims."

Played by unwrinkled, untanned actress Lin Shaye, the character Magda personified everything frightful about sun worship. What could be scarier?

So I set out to transform myself into Magda.

To complicate matters, I planned on spending the entire day as Magda, even at my office.

This ruled out a lot of things: I would have to wear the Magda version of "business casual." No recreating Magda's nude scene!

But Magda would certainly wear white shoes after Labor Day, so I didn't hold back there.

I purchased big hair from wigs.com, clothing from Goodwill, and shoes from Sears during a Super Saturday sale.

I was not able to find a stand in for Puffy, Magda's much beleaguered pooch.

The night before, I prepared by applying Au Courant Instant Sunless Tanning Mousse, then I applied St. Tropez Tinted Self-Tanning Lotion on top just one hour later. Both of these products are sunless tanners that also contain instant bronzers.

In the morning, my sunless tan wasn't extremely dark after I washed off the bronzer in both products, but that didn't worry me: I was about to break out the Jan Tana Show Tan.

Jan Tana Show Tan is what I recommend to red headed Irish boys who are about to star as the lead in The King And I.

I don't know if any of them [there have been many red headed Irish boys with this problem] took my advice, but, as you can see, they should have.

I applied the Jan Tana Show Tan with a theatrical quality makeup sponge called a hydra sponge. This is essential for even and realistic coverage with this product.

Mostly an instant bronzer, Show Tan contains a small amount of DHA [dihydroxyacetone] for a light sunless tan.

After letting the Show Tan dry for just a few minutes, I put on my makeup: a very heavy coat of St. Tropez powder bronzer and some extra pink lipstick.

After my feet received a coating of Jan Tana Show Tan, my white sandals positively sizzled.

Then I put on my clothing and wig.

At this stage in the proceedings, my cat ran away from me.

Looking into the mirror, I practiced saying, "Doll, you're in my light."

My boyfriend summed it up: Frankentan.

After completing my Magda makeover, I took BART [Bay Area Rapid Transit] to my office in San Francisco.

Approaching my high rise office building, I spotted a friend I hadn't seen in a while dining in a sidewalk cafe. I cheerily waved at him. There was a moment of blankness, and then he appeared to suffer some sort of seizure.

I made a mental note not to wave at anyone in the act of swallowing.

Once in my office, there were a wide range of reactions to my makeover.

One gentleman said it was very disturbing; another young gentleman told me with complete sincerity that I looked very pretty.

After getting over their shock, many people asked what I used to change the color of my skin; I did not miss the opportunity to put in a plug for safe sunless tanning.

While the most gratifying reaction was laughter, the most common reaction was nonrecognition.

For instance, a VP said to me from fifteen feet away, "I don't recognize you." From two feet away, he admitted, "I still don't recognize you."

People I've worked with for years went past me without a second glance.

The final blow came when I stopped by my local nail shop, as promised, to show everyone my costume, not to mention the fruits of their labors [they gave me the hot pink fingernails and toenails].

When I cheerily announced, "I'm back," the woman who had given me my pedicure the night before stared at me for a moment, then asked politely, "Do you need to use the restroom?"

I skulked home to a merciful shower.

Visit the official Something About Mary movie web site.